TOW: Lazy versus Happy

There's one line in a song called "Is the Where It Ends," I always remember from the Barenaked Ladies:

She's like a baby
I'm like a cat
When we are happy
we both get fat


Now, this is not a post about body image, but this is about the link between being content, and being lazy.

I have been pretty lazy these last few weeks.  There have been bursts of craziness at work, and yes, it's been busy here and there, but the real issue is that when I get home, I have been turning on the internet tv,  maybe going to the gym, and just settling into a pattern.  I don't mind patterns, but I've been complacent lately.

And it's because I've been content.

A lot of great things have been happening.  Work is going well, I have low amounts of drama in my life, my family isn't calling every five minutes asking me to move into their basement because they miss me and generally things are pretty swell.  Life is good, and I've been wearing a smile on my face more often.

But what I have found is that when I get complacent, a lot of things start to take a turn for the worse.  I don't exercise as much.  Personal projects (I'm looking at you, iPhone game) get flung to the side and sometimes forgotten for a while or slowed down to the point where there's little progress.  You get lazy.

It's true that the devil work is in idle hands, but more than that, I sometimes find myself slipping into a routine where I go past relaxing, past 'me time' and straight into lazyville.

Oddly, I seem to thrive on chaos, conflict and disorder to propel me into something better.   The last couple years there has been a lot of change in my life, and I think it has to do with the fact that I've been striving for something better.  When I'm mad, or upset, or feeling weird, I feel the need to act, to make change, to do something, anything, to make things better.

When I get happy, it's hard for me to see how much better the quality of life could be if I got another job, got a raise, won some kind of award.   I guess I'm content when I have very little.

But happiness for me springs from being active, and doing things in the world.  My happiness comes from activity, not the absence of it.  So I guess I can be content with very little, but my happiness requires that contentment is never enough.  Happiness has to be a state of being, working, living, changing, and evolving.  And sometimes we don't evolve for the better when we try to change things, but I still think that's better than being a very specific kind of complacent.

VOW: Serbian Eurovision Finalist

Happy Mother's Day!

To all the moms who are my buddies and family, I wish you the best day.  I had a great conversation with my mom this morning.  I love her more than anything. :)

MAN

I haven't posted on here in FOREVER.

I've just found myself really, really busy on Sunday and Monday nights, which is usually when post things here.

I'll be working on a better update schedule in the near future.  For now, though, I just need to focus on getting back on track with some things that really matter to me.  Like writing, for example.  And not just business writing, which I have been focusing way too much on in the last 3 years. It's really hard to write well when most of your thoughts have to be branded and less than three sentences.  Kind of kills the creative process when you're only working for one client.

Writing really matters to me, and though I'm not very good at it, when I am, I really feel like I've accomplished something.

So, I plan to write here more....I've just been on hiatus for a bit!  ^_^

TOW: Buddhist Circles

Sometimes in life, you feel like you're going in circles.

No end, no beginning...just a place in the middle.  You think you're getting good at something, and then something new happens in your life, and everything changes.  Then suddenly you're back at the beginning.  You're never quite finished...well...until you're finished, as in, C'EST FINI.

....

The Buddhists have a sacred art form called 'Mandala.'  They create intricate, beautiful circles in the sand.  

But these circles, even if they're the most beautiful thing that's ever existed, once a mandala is finished, a monk sweeps it away, and starts anew.

Nothing matters in life some much you can't start again and change.  Buddhists use this tool for spiritual meditation, but all humans have the idea of a circle, propelling them deeper and deeper into themselves.

Lately, I feel like, in some way, I'm at the start of a circle. 

In other ways, I feel like I'm near the end.

Buddhists mandalas say a lot about spiritual health and the good life.  The good life is being in the middle of things.  The middle is where it's at.  End are alright, and beginnings can be exhilarating, but for me, save me for the thick of things, the good right in between so many different things.  It can be beautiful, it can be good, and it's almost always meaningful.

VOW: Robbie Williams and One Direction

I'm not huge into these guys, but I kind of love the duet they did.

Holy Moly!

I can't believe it's been so long since I posted here!  Yikes! 

Things have just been so insane lately.  Work, life, etc. is crazy and running two businesses isn't helping.

But I'm managing.  Slowly, but surely.  :)

TOW: Belonging

It's been a rough couple weeks.  I've had not enough sleep, not enough exercise, too much to do, and not enough time to do the things I want.  But, all this 'missing time' has got me thinking about things that I love doing, and things that I'm currently doing.

On the bright side of things, I'm currently doing a lot of the things I love.  I had a great night tutoring a new kid (he's in grade 1) and went for a great run and the work I'm doing at work is interesting, different and challenging.  I have great friends, and lately I've been so social I've been double-booking myself.  All is well with the world.

On the not-so-bright-side, there's a lot of change around me, and not all of it is a good change.   I have never felt so good at what I do while still feeling like I don't really fit in.  I don't fit into this city, I don't fit into the culture, I'm not sure how I'm fitting in at work these days, and I'm eventually not going to fit into these jeans if I keep eating myself out of every emotional crisis I have. 

Sad to say, I'm at one of those times in life where you feel like you don't fit in, you don't belong, and you don't know how to fix it. 

I think if this had happened to me in university, I would have found a way around it, and turned it into a good thing.  I did more than this, and I think I surpassed my expectations in this regard.

I think if this had happened to me in Belgium (and it did happen to me in Belgium) I would find like-minded non-fitters....and I did.

But Toronto is a big city.  You could almost call Toronto the city of people that never fit in.  They never seem to say things quite right, the people I meet here are friendly but distant, especially for Canadians.  I'm getting older, and I don't have too many more 'reinvent your life' phases left in me.  I've used up about three of them in the last five years, so I'd really rather not go back to that.  I want to start building a life that feels significant to me.

In some ways, I'm in the adult phase where it's like puberty all over again.  Your body doesn't make any sense to you, you always seem to say the wrong thing, you don't feel good or confident and everything just seems to be changing too fast for you to finesse things in a way that would make you appear, nice, wise and good.  Instead, you come off looking like a pretentious, stressed-out, stuck-up something-something with rage issues.  (Yes, I'm talking about me.)

But right now it's all about how well the things in my life fit with my vision of a good life for me. 

And very, very select few things are holding me together these days.  I think I'm ready for some positive change.

VOW: Dawson Loves to Dig (Cute)

TOW: Work Habits

Sorry I've been so absent from this blog.  Between me making a video game for iPhone (long story) and the new job that continues to get more interesting by the day (to say the least) I've had my hands full.  Add in some friends, some social engagements and I'm busy.  But most of the time I'm working on the video game...it's pretty much a full time job on top of my full time job.

I'm doing better at managing my workloads with the game, but the truth is, there's still a ton to do.  I'm teaching myself coding, while I go along and work on my graphic design skills (which have gotten exponentially better over the last couple months) and find out business stuff I need to know to develop on the iPhone.  It's time consuming because once I finish one thing, I just start on the next.

But I've learned a lot about how to switch gears quickly thanks to my job, and to this project.

I'll try and keep things updated here, but between blogging and tweeting for the video game account it's keeping me busy.  And busy is good, even if it's stay-in-your-room-and-don't leave busy. =)

VOW : Kids React (This is How I Feel about Minecraft)

TOW: It's not what you have...

Sometimes living in a big city, you compare yourself and what you have to what other people have.  I know that I often find myself caught up in a race against other people and the things they are doing.  Often the feeling you are left with is, "Why does this person have so much, but I have so little?"  It's not the comparison that bothers me, I find, but the feeling your left with.  The feeling like there's a big hole where all the appreciation for what's in your life should be.
I find myself often thinking, "Yes, I have this, this and this, but I don't have this, this and this."  And the focus always seems to be on the things I don't have, on the problems in my life, on the little failures that don't actually mean anything.  And finally, I often ask, "Why can't I be happy, with all the good things in my life?"

Sometimes, when life gets off track, the one and only thing to remember is that happiness comes through trying, not through hoping happiness will arrive.  More than that, I realized that for the last couple years, I have been focusing on the problems that are in my life, on the things I wish that weren't in my life.  It's kind of like focusing on what you hate, about yourself, about your life, about your day.  And then I would try and pull myself out of some deep hole I was in by focusing on what I love and trying to busy myself with that.

What is strange is that when I thought back to those times when I was truly happy, I realized it wasn't because I wasn't focusing on what I loved, or what I hated.  Those two things are constantly in a battle for my attention, but that's not how we can be happy.  Instead, when I was happy, I was focused not on things, but on people.  And not on people that I love, but on the people that love me. It's not what I do, but what others do for me that makes me happy.  We can do all the good deeds in the world for our friends, and yes it can give us a kind of happiness.  But it's not what we do for our friends, or our families, our peers or strangers.  It's what they do for us.

It's not what you have.  It's what you are given that makes you happy.

VOW: Jaane Kyun

From my new favourite Bollywood movie.